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{\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}Ugh. Can you just... Never mind.
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{\an8}[Marge, Lisa groan]
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{\an8}What's up with Blue Tip and Starfish?
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{\an8}Oh, those two have been fighting
like Don Draper and Pete Campbell
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{\an8}after they lost the Lucky Strike account.
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{\an8}What? Krusty's in reruns.
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{\an8}Lisa and I weren't fighting.
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{\an8}It was just a series of calm,
constructive conversations.
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{\an8}What? That's not how I remember it.
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{\an8}Lisa was like... [imitating Lisa]
..."I hate this town. Everyone's stupid!"
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{\an8}And you were like... [imitating Marge]
..."Lisa is driving me crazy.
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{\an8}We should send her to Capital City
with my sisters for the weekend."
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{\an8}That may not be word for word. [titters]
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{\an8}Train for Capital City leaving
in five minutes.
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{\an8}Please wrap up all family arguments
and bid a quiet poignant goodbye.
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{\an8}All aboard!
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{\an8}Bye, Lisa, and have a great time
in the city with your aunties.
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{\an8}I got you a little snack for the train.
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{\an8}Mom! You know
Apple Zoom is full of chemicals!
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{\an8}And it's owned by...
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{\an8}Thanks, Mom.
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{\an8}[chuckles]
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{\an8}I'm glad I don't have a daughter.
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[♪ "Symphony No. 45 in D Major,
K. 95: I. Allegro" playing]
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Wow.
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{\an8}Capital City!
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God, there's just so much
I wanna see and do here.
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The Museum of Modern Museums.
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The Prussian Coffee Room.
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[gasps] The Unidentified State Building.
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{\an8}Oh, and tomorrow
is the Highbrow Artists Parade.
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But the thing I really wanna see
is the statue of the Fearless Girl,
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facing down the gorilla
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that symbolizes fossil fuels
and wasteful fast-food packaging.
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Huh. What do you know?
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You can let us out at the next block.
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[Lisa] This is the touristy part
of the city.
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- Where are we going?
- To the finest restaurant in town.
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The Laramie Cigarettes Smokehouse Grill.
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[Lisa groans]
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{\an8}- Bring us the Tuna Tar-Tar.
- With extra tar.
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- Cigs in a Blanket.
- Philly Wheeze Steak.
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Vape Suzette.
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And for dessert, the Phlegm Brûlée.
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Can we go now?
We've wasted the whole day here.
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Cool your jets, toots.
Aunties need their post-meal smoke.
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[alarm blares]
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Sorry, ladies. No smoking.
Take it outside.
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Hyah!
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- Patricia Bouvier?
- Julian.
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Mwah. I saw on Facebook
that you were coming to town.
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Why didn't you call me,
you two gorgeous minxes?
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[both laugh]
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Lisa, this is my friend Julian.
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We met last year
at the Capital City Pride Parade.
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I still think
their float should've won first prize.
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Stunning!
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Oh, is that a book of poetry
by Sylvia Plath?
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{\an8}Yes, it is! Poor dear Sylvia.
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{\an8}The world's loss was that oven's gain.
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{\an8}I'm a poet myself.
Also a novelist, essayist, playwright,
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and author
of the occasional scalding Airbnb review.
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Oh, those are all things I'd like to be
when I grow up and leave Springfield.
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Oh, my God. That's your hometown?
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Hi. I'm Katya.
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I actually went there to take photographs
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for my prize-winning show,
Freaks of the 'Field.
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Look at these and react to them.
I can't watch.
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[Lisa] Oh.
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Oh.
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[groans]
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I won a lot of prizes for these.
Isn't that weird?
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No, I think they're great.
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That's what everyone says. It's so crazy.
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[coughs]
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Oh, this is my husband Lars.
He's a brilliant painter.
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[grumbles]
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Oh, wow. Somehow, I sense you're craving
love and connection in an uncaring world.
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And also an extra large cookie?
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Mm-hmm.
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Lisa, for a little girl
in a lampshade dress,
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you seem very sophisticated.
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Really? Well, I try.
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I mean, I don't try.
It's effortless! [titters]
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Oh, my God.
I just had the kind of amazing idea
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that everyone thinks is stupid,
but then I'm totally right.
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You should come to our party tonight.
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It's in our loft.
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North of Hobart Street,
south of Gordon Avenue,
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and below the Joseph Torrance Expressway.
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Nohosogoblojoto?
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That's the coolest,
most artistic neighborhood in town!
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- [gasps] Can we go?
- Oh, no, kid.
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We're gonna take you
to something you're gonna love.
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Thanks, Aunt Selma.
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You know me so well.
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Well, if you change your minds,
we'll be around for a little longer,
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sneering at Midwestern tourists.
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- [Lars, Julian groan]
- [Katya groans] Barf.
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Maybe we could go to their party
after the musical.
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Juice-ical. [retches]
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[stutters] Are you okay?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a little indigestion.
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We'll be fine.
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[Selma, Patty retching]
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[Patty] I knew there was something off
about that menthol swordfish!
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{\an8}[continue retching]
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{\an8}[sighs]
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[Selma, Patty snoring, retching]
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Out of our way, kid.
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We gotta either sleep or die,
and we don't care which one.
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[Selma, Patty snoring]
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- [phone beeps]
- [Lisa] Hmm?
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Oh, yes, by all means, take a picture
with that off-brand Pikachu.
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What a precious keepsake that will be.
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Hi. Hi. Hi.
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My aunts are feeling
a little under the weather. [chuckles]
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So they said I should hang out with you.
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They said a small child
should spend the night
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exploring the bohemian demimonde
with a bunch of effete gadabouts?
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That's what they said.
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[♪ "Bull In the Heather" playing]
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So, Lisa, what do you think, Lisa?
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I think I'm home.
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This place is a dream.
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Everyone's so cool,
and the art is all nonrepresentational.
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[sighs]
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Oh, my God, Lars. That is so brilliant.
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I seriously wish I'd married someone else
so I could cheat on my husband with you.
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Now, let's get everything to the gallery.
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- What? Now?
- Yep!
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Our group show opens tomorrow
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at the Museum
of Loft-Based Transgressive Progressivism.
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So we have to get
all our work there tonight.
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Okay, everyone. Grab a canvas,
sculpture, or performance artist.
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[grunts] Whoa.
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{\an8}Hey. Can I get a little help, please,
from "The Inhuman Capotes"?
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{\an8}Writers are liars
who tell the truth for money.
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But I'm asking if you're helping us move.
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If you're going to stab me in my back,
do it to my face.
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[groans]
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Don't mind him. He's the worst.
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We used to be a throuple.
He was incredible!
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I wish he was dead. You need one of these.
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[♪ "Bull In the Heather" playing]
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Lisa, you're a dear and a doll,
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and you carried Kool-Aid Jesus
without spilling a drop.
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Oh, my God, it's so late.
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I really should get back
to Patty and Selma.
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But, darling, the night is just beginning.
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This is your moment.
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And we have tickets
to see an avant-garde play
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that starts at 1:00 a.m.
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Well, I would hate to wake up my aunties.
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[snoring]
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[cough, groan]
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[Lisa] God, I love art,
and I love this city.
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Punks, poets, madmen, monologists.
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[gasps] Superintendent Chalmers?
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Sweet vermouth in a snifter. Lisa Simpson!
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Hey, Gary. Hurry up here
with them Reuben sammies.
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You and me got a long night of doinking
ahead of us.
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- We're putting on a staff excursion.
- Of course.
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- [stammering] Continuing education and...
- No need to explain.
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- Makes perfect sense.
- Life-long learning endeavor...
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Oh, that's interesting.
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Lisa, we're running late.
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Stop talking to that balding stallion.
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[chuckles] I don't know about stallion,
but, yes.
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[all gasp]
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This is so moving.
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That poor man has been transformed
into a cockroach.
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And there's his unfeeling father.
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- [speaking German]
- [screaming]
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Leave him alone!
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[audience gasp]
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Who just interrupted my play?
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How dare you desecrate the hallowed boards
of this converted rooster-fighting arena?
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Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright
Tracy Letts?
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You wrote this?
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And I play the enormous shoe
that steps on the cockroach in act three.
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It's a loafer with a back story.
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Not that they'll ever get to see it now.
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- I'm sorry I--
- Interrupted?
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Young lady,
this play has run for over a year.
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And you're the very first person
to interfere and save the cockroach.
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Proving you're one of the most sensitive
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and artistically attuned people
I've ever met.
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Give her a round of applause.
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My two Tony awards command you!
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[cheering]
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This kid is incredible.
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She gives me hope for the next generation
of self-important know-it-alls.
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Oh. [chuckles]
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Yes. She's truly a special young person.
Just brimming with precocity.
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In fact, I was thinking she might be
a good fit for the Horace Frick Academy.
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HFA? [gasps]
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That's the school I would never dream
of letting myself hope
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that I could aspire
to imagine going there.
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Well, Lisa, I'm on the board of trustees--
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00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,069
Go, Fighting Tote Bags--
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and I think I might just be able
to guarantee you a place.
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- When would I start?
- Next month.
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- And what does it cost?
- $84,000 a year.
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But how would I ever pay for that?
207
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,749
Not my problem!
208
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
I just thought of an awesome play
209
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:13,129
and I have to go scream it into my phone.
210
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Curtain rises on Dave and Buster's.
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Everyone is dead.
212
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[groans] I would love
to attend that school.
213
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:23,014
But my mom and dad
don't have that kind of money.
214
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,725
- Oh, that's so terrible.
- Wait just a moment.
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00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,812
I know a wealthy benefactress
who might be able to help you.
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00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:29,979
Lacey Van Aster.
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She's a little eccentric,
but something tells me she'd adore you,
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just like we adore you.
219
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I misread this.
220
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To the forbidden zone,
the Upper East Side.
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[♪ "Bull In the Heather" playing]
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{\an8}It's really late.
223
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{\an8}Are you sure she's up?
224
00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:57,674
Oh, yeah. She's a well-known night owl
and a bit of a speed freak. Vroom, vroom.
225
00:11:57,675 --> 00:12:02,637
Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt.
226
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:06,266
Um, every one of them I seduced,
227
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and destroyed.
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Lacey, darling,
we always enjoy your delightful stories,
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but we'd like to discuss
your scholarship fund
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for children from, how shall we say,
tragic cultural wastelands?
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00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:22,824
Yes, my lucrative bursary.
232
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:26,579
But first,
there is an extensive interview process.
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00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,208
All right then.
First of all, how are you, dear?
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I'm okay.
235
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:35,545
The scholarship is yours.
236
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- [Lars, Katya cheering]
- Huzzah! Hip hip hurrah!
237
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{\an8}Good night, Lisa.
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I've only known you for a day,
239
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,347
but I can tell
that you're an artist at heart.
240
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,515
Thank you, Katya.
241
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,393
I can't believe I'll be going to school
in Capital City.
242
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:53,438
And then from there,
I'll become a critically acclaimed writer,
243
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:56,483
an artist, and member of the cognoscenti.
244
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,151
Cognoscenti.
245
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,821
[both] Cognoscenti.
Cognoscenti. Cognoscenti!
246
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:02,907
[chuckles]
247
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,789
It's all in front of me.
248
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,334
Someday I'll be in that photograph.
249
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:18,713
Wait a second.
250
00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:23,009
Why are they posing with Martin Prince?
251
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:26,262
- [Julian] Therein lies a tale, Lisa.
- [Lisa gasps]
252
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,973
Every year,
self-impressed little bookworms
253
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,767
like you and Martin Prince
254
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,936
come to the big city
where we convince them
255
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:39,192
that they could one day be one of us
just by attending Horace Frick Academy.
256
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:42,570
But there's just one problem,
my little swan-abee.
257
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:48,076
Nobody you've met tonight
has any connection to that school.
258
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,788
What? Not even Tracy Letts?
259
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:53,206
Especially Tracy Letts!
260
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:57,043
Behind these supporting-actor good looks,
I'm a world-class fraud.
261
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,547
You were naïve enough to believe
that you could get into that school.
262
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:03,716
And that Roosevelt-doinking crone,
Mrs. Van Aster,
263
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:06,678
was naïve enough
to make out the tuition check to us.
264
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:10,766
And you fell for it.
Hook, Letts, and sinker.
265
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,144
You eight-year-old fool.
266
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:17,730
But why do you need to steal money?
267
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,860
I thought you all supported yourselves
by making art.
268
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,613
It is to laugh.
269
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:29,868
Oh, this is awful! I'm gonna report you
to the Capital City Police.
270
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:34,080
[scoffs] I'm sure they'll take the word
of an infamous art thief.
271
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:35,540
There you are.
272
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:39,294
But I was helping to move that art.
I wasn't stealing it.
273
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,879
Oh, I know you're innocent.
274
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,881
But this damning footage
has already gone out
275
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,009
to the entire artistic community
of Capital City.
276
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,927
And it's not a good look.
277
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:53,058
The only thing an artist hates more
than an art thief is themselves.
278
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:58,105
No!
279
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,483
[gasps] Our ill-gotten gains!
280
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:10,034
There she is! Get her! [all shout]
281
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:27,133
{\an8}God. They got this show together so fast.
282
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,970
[clamoring] Hey!
283
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,907
{\an8}Please answer.
284
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,909
[person on TV] I knew just one thing.
285
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,703
We were not going
to lose the Ringtone Wars.
286
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,164
And that's when I came up with this.
287
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,085
[ringtone plays]
288
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,544
{\an8}- [Marge, Homer] Wow.
- [Bart] Whoa, wow.
289
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,172
{\an8}Check it out.
It's almost 5:00 in the morning.
290
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:09,759
{\an8}We've almost watched
this entire 12-hour documentary
291
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,928
{\an8}about the history of ringtones.
292
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,348
Best 12 hours ever. [grunts]
293
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:15,849
[groans]
294
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:21,688
Superintendent Chalmers? Now you're here?
295
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:26,275
No... [stammers] Look, in the interest
of, uh, fumfering, I, um... [chuckles]
296
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,277
Gary, doinking.
297
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,612
Look, Lisa... [sighs]
298
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:33,282
...sometimes when grown-ups get bored,
they start playing pickleball,
299
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,326
or they learn to make sourdough bread,
300
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,704
or they book
two different romantic getaways
301
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,664
with two different women
who don't know about each other.
302
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,542
[stutters] It's a very common thing.
303
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:46,587
Mr. Chalmers, would you
please, please, help me hide?
304
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,047
Just for a little while.
305
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,508
Oh, I'd love nothing more, but, um...
306
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,052
And I would love
not to tell the school board
307
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:55,763
about your extracurricular activities.
308
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,100
Ugh. This has been
the worst night of my life.
309
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,561
I came to Capital City
because I wanted to get away
310
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,189
from the dead-eyed ding-dongs
in Springfield.
311
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:05,773
No offense.
312
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:09,652
And then these horrible people
came in my room and told me--
313
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:12,363
Gary, you son of a bitch, I'll kill you!
314
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,365
[all scream]
315
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,541
Settle, settle.
316
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,626
[stutters]
Dora, can we just talk about this?
317
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,462
No. We can't.
318
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,839
Oh, okay then.
319
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,218
[horn honks]
320
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,267
Superintendent Chalmers!
321
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:43,437
There's that pilfering little urchin!
322
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:51,612
[cockroach man] Wait up, guys.
323
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,160
{\an8}[gasps]
324
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:04,332
[pants] It's never been
more past my bedtime.
325
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,585
I'm too tired to run anymore.
326
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,004
[gasps]
327
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:14,008
Desperate times call
for high-fructose corn syrup.
328
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,219
[gulping]
329
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:20,431
She drank the juice. A mother knows.
330
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:25,853
Hey, art jerks. Your work is derivative,
and you're all old!
331
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,231
[all gasp]
332
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,734
[grunts]
333
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:39,242
[gasps] It's the Fearless Girl statue.
334
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,911
{\an8}Goldman Sachs? Ew.
335
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,206
I hate this city!
336
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,589
[grunts]
337
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,759
These are balloons
from the Highbrow Artists Parade.
338
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,012
[gasps] That's today!
339
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,598
They are relentless.
340
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,146
Thank God for this balloon.
341
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:08,730
{\an8}[clicks]
342
00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:12,024
Ah!
343
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,985
- Joan Didion.
- [Julian cackles]
344
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,194
How ironic.
345
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:19,282
You're clinging to Joan Didion,
but you're clearly John Gregory "Done"!
346
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,700
[cackles]
347
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,535
I hate that I get that.
348
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,288
But you'll never get this.
349
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,038
[all gasp]
350
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,665
She ripped up the check!
351
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,920
Well, then do something about it,
you second-rate Cindy Sherman!
352
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:38,177
[whimpers] Oh, no.
353
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,636
What the hell are you doing?
354
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:44,223
If there was a gun in the first act,
I would shoot you right now.
355
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:45,766
I'm setting her free.
356
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:47,810
Goodbye, Lisa!
357
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,396
Never forget the essence
of being an artist,
358
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,648
having rich parents!
359
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:57,070
You can still resent them horribly,
just take their money!
360
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:07,288
It is easy to see the beginnings of things
and harder to see the ends.
361
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,582
I can remember now, with a clarity
362
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:12,543
that makes the nerves
in the back of my neck constrict
363
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,545
when the city began for me.
364
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:18,049
But I cannot lay my finger
upon the moment it ended.
365
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:23,221
Can never cut through the ambiguities,
and second starts, and broken resolves
366
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,931
to the exact place on the page
367
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:29,018
where the heroine is no longer
as optimistic as she once was.
368
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,895
How are you talking to me?
369
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,481
You haven't slept in 24 hours.
370
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,399
Hmm. Makes sense.
371
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,860
[pops]
372
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,086
- Lisa.
- Superintendent.
373
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,102
{\an8}Good morning.
374
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,270
{\an8}Today we'll be reading
375
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,147
{\an8}from The Firecracker
Who Didn't Want To Go, "Boom!"
376
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:18,693
{\an8}"'I like quiet things.'
Said the firecracker.
377
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,738
{\an8}'Why does everything in the world
have to be so loud?'"
378
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,656
{\an8}[Lisa sighs]
379
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,409
{\an8}"'Things like sirens, and jackhammers,
380
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:29,579
{\an8}and tugboat whistles,
and big brass drums.'"